We live in a world that has few examples of unconditional
love. Those few examples are tales in which the hero/ine lays down his or her
life for another, to receive honor and respect after death. One of the few
examples of unconditional love that comes to mind is Jesus. He gave his life to
mankind, without regard as to whether or not he would be accepted or praised
for his sacrifice. In Christianity, Jesus is considered to be a part of the God
head, so as so-called “regular” people, how can we relate to this? What’s more,
how often are we going to come across the choice of dying for a loved one?
Where do we see unconditional love in our everyday lives?
I grew up in an environment where I was shamed if I didn’t
adhere to my families’ wishes and perspective. That relationship was based upon
conditions; “If you do as I want you to do, then I will accept you.” Their
practice of conditional love has worked to limit the potential of our love
relationship. While growing up in this environment, I began to cultivate a fear
of rejection and an apprehension to say what I feel for fear that I would no
longer be accepted. Self-expression, showing frustration, or anger was unbecoming
and “disrespectful,” rather than an opportunity for conversation. Fear and love
do not coexist. I had a caring relationship with my family; however, my
relationship with them did not deepen as much as it could have if we had all
learned how to love one another unconditionally.
Growing up in such an environment, how could I expect to
know how to love any better than I was shown? I grew up in a family of care and
support, but that love, intimacy, and truth that binds people together, I didn't
have that; I didn't really grasp what that looked like. I thought intimacy belonged to the realm of
romance, a word that connoted love making and physical openness.
As a young girl who was curious about romance, I gathered
the information I was given on how to be in a romantic relationship from
television, movies, friends, and family. My vision became distorted by the
illusion of love I was shown. Learning from those source, I thought that the
best and most romantic love has certain characteristics: lots of flowers,
balloons and gifts, attention, and affection. It sounded great, but I was
mistaking care for love. I believed there was strength in my relationships, but
I haven’t been able to love as well as I potentially could because I wasn't
sure of what is; I was never shown how to love unconditionally.
So, I lost parts of myself. My fear of rejection prohibited
me from speaking my truth and asserting my preferences. I thought that if I
allowed the preferences of those I cared for to take precedence over my own,
they would “accept” me, they would love me. I developed a habit of making light
of things that may have been important to me, because I didn’t think I there
could be a safe space for me to express my emotions without being chastised or
shut down. I smile to disarm. I aimed to please. I extended myself thinking
that if I did what people liked, they would show me love.
Needless to say, this didn't work. I created conflict in my
new relationships because I didn't know how to express my needs and desires
very well. I didn't know how to be intimate. Even as these built up habits, I
would call them defense mechanisms, created problems in my relationships. There
was a part of me who just wanted to be different. As a young adult, I have
attracted friends who stand up for themselves, who know who they are and what
they want, and who aren't afraid of saying what they think. All of them taught
something that has helped me to recognize the ways I had been practicing
conditional love, enough with myself.
I kept giving and giving and sacrificing and bending over
backwards, without getting what I wanted. I was giving gestures of care: time,
gifts, etc. and expecting to receive love in return. Because I didn't have an understanding of what
love is, I thought that if they loved me, they would give me what I was giving
them. However, they didn’t, because they were trying to offer me something
closer to real love.
I was leeching my energy; I was martyring myself for a cause
for which no one else had any concern. I was giving away all of my energy,
leaving me weak and prone to manipulation.
It took frustration, sadness, and a good dose of heartbreak
to understand what the problem was. In that moment of deep sadness, I found
catharsis. I realized that I was completely and entirely drained—spiritually
exhausted—after years of aiming to please. Of thirsting for a love I didn't
even know how to create for myself.
So now I am recovering from spiritual exhaustion. By that, I
mean that I am giving myself the mental, physical, and emotional energy I
always give to others threefold and more.
I am learning how to care for myself, how to give myself the things I
wish someone else would give to me. In doing taking back the energy I was
giving away, I will become powerful.
If this story resonates with you, recognize that you don’t
need to DO anything to be loved. You deserve love regardless of what you do. It
isn't something that can be bought or traded. It’s our birthright, the air we
breathe to live healthy emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual lives.
Coming Soon: Part II, Self-Love: The cure for an exhausted spirit