how to promote emotional healing #1

Communication and community are essential. Talk, no matter how convoluted and disorganized your thoughts are. Speak, even when you afraid of ‘saying the wrong thing.’ Find a loved one(s) who will create the space for you to say what you need to say without judgement. We can often find clarity in chosen moments of solitude, but illumination can also come from times of reflection with the people who know you the best. Commune(ing)(ication)(ity) is a likely source of healing.

My Journey to Unconditional (self) Love Part 1: Conditional Love, the Wrong Path

We live in a world that has few examples of unconditional love. Those few examples are tales in which the hero/ine lays down his or her life for another, to receive honor and respect after death. One of the few examples of unconditional love that comes to mind is Jesus. He gave his life to mankind, without regard as to whether or not he would be accepted or praised for his sacrifice. In Christianity, Jesus is considered to be a part of the God head, so as so-called “regular” people, how can we relate to this? What’s more, how often are we going to come across the choice of dying for a loved one? Where do we see unconditional love in our everyday lives?

I grew up in an environment where I was shamed if I didn’t adhere to my families’ wishes and perspective. That relationship was based upon conditions; “If you do as I want you to do, then I will accept you.” Their practice of conditional love has worked to limit the potential of our love relationship. While growing up in this environment, I began to cultivate a fear of rejection and an apprehension to say what I feel for fear that I would no longer be accepted. Self-expression, showing frustration, or anger was unbecoming and “disrespectful,” rather than an opportunity for conversation. Fear and love do not coexist. I had a caring relationship with my family; however, my relationship with them did not deepen as much as it could have if we had all learned how to love one another unconditionally.

Growing up in such an environment, how could I expect to know how to love any better than I was shown? I grew up in a family of care and support, but that love, intimacy, and truth that binds people together, I didn't have that; I didn't really grasp what that looked like.  I thought intimacy belonged to the realm of romance, a word that connoted love making and physical openness.

As a young girl who was curious about romance, I gathered the information I was given on how to be in a romantic relationship from television, movies, friends, and family. My vision became distorted by the illusion of love I was shown. Learning from those source, I thought that the best and most romantic love has certain characteristics: lots of flowers, balloons and gifts, attention, and affection. It sounded great, but I was mistaking care for love. I believed there was strength in my relationships, but I haven’t been able to love as well as I potentially could because I wasn't sure of what is; I was never shown how to love unconditionally.

So, I lost parts of myself. My fear of rejection prohibited me from speaking my truth and asserting my preferences. I thought that if I allowed the preferences of those I cared for to take precedence over my own, they would “accept” me, they would love me. I developed a habit of making light of things that may have been important to me, because I didn’t think I there could be a safe space for me to express my emotions without being chastised or shut down. I smile to disarm. I aimed to please. I extended myself thinking that if I did what people liked, they would show me love.

Needless to say, this didn't work. I created conflict in my new relationships because I didn't know how to express my needs and desires very well. I didn't know how to be intimate. Even as these built up habits, I would call them defense mechanisms, created problems in my relationships. There was a part of me who just wanted to be different. As a young adult, I have attracted friends who stand up for themselves, who know who they are and what they want, and who aren't afraid of saying what they think. All of them taught something that has helped me to recognize the ways I had been practicing conditional love, enough with myself.

I kept giving and giving and sacrificing and bending over backwards, without getting what I wanted. I was giving gestures of care: time, gifts, etc. and expecting to receive love in return.  Because I didn't have an understanding of what love is, I thought that if they loved me, they would give me what I was giving them. However, they didn’t, because they were trying to offer me something closer to real love.

I was leeching my energy; I was martyring myself for a cause for which no one else had any concern. I was giving away all of my energy, leaving me weak and prone to manipulation.

It took frustration, sadness, and a good dose of heartbreak to understand what the problem was. In that moment of deep sadness, I found catharsis. I realized that I was completely and entirely drained—spiritually exhausted—after years of aiming to please. Of thirsting for a love I didn't even know how to create for myself.

So now I am recovering from spiritual exhaustion. By that, I mean that I am giving myself the mental, physical, and emotional energy I always give to others threefold and more.  I am learning how to care for myself, how to give myself the things I wish someone else would give to me. In doing taking back the energy I was giving away, I will become powerful.

If this story resonates with you, recognize that you don’t need to DO anything to be loved. You deserve love regardless of what you do. It isn't something that can be bought or traded. It’s our birthright, the air we breathe to live healthy emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual lives.

Coming Soon: Part II, Self-Love: The cure for an exhausted spirit

On self-expression

I have an itch to write. I’m not sure what I will be writing about specifically, but I do know that I wish to express my many thoughts and ruminations. My life is at such a strange point right now. I've been going through a personal transformation for the past nine months. The first portion of this transition was quite difficult for me. I went through a lot of inner turmoil. I was letting go of the person I kept trying to pretend to be to make my family comfortable. Choosing to be yourself oftentimes means creating distance between yourself and those you love. I found that a lot of guilt comes with making that choice; I felt like I was making a “selfish” decision. However, my decision to be free to be myself was essentially a decision for self-love and the very reason I can write these thoughts now.

I would like to share more on those darker moments during my inner transformation in my future writings, but for now, I will say that I am residing in the afterglow of several very enlightening cathartic moments. It is in these moments of total clarity that I have been able to see myself completely disjointed from ego and the emotions that often cloud my self-perception. I have somehow been able to catch glimpses of my soul in its complete beauty and light. I now use these snapshots of myself to guide me as I walk on my life path.

And I have been inspired by my experiences. I feel as though I have many stories and reflections to share with the world. I had an inclination towards writing prior to the onset of my transformation. However. I let my inner ink well dry and my keyboard stick because I was convinced that my thoughts were meaningless and valueless. I told myself that I wouldn't be saying anything that hasn't been said before, so there was no point in saying anything at all.  

Now I believe differently. I think that each and every living thing born on this earth was and is a different fragment in the ever changing kaleidoscope called history. I think that each of one us has a unique perspective on what is means to experience life; we are all a part of a collective entity called god. Each and every one of us, myself included, has a story worth sharing. When we share our stories—when we express ourselves—we receive wisdom and we expand our minds because we have broadened our understanding of what it means to live. In doing this, we become closer to god.

So now I cherish my memories and relish the thoughts and reflections I have. I've embraced my introversion because it is allows me meditate on my experiences and give meaning to them. Now I am ready to express; I wait impatiently for moments like this when I can have free reign over a blank word document or a blank sheet of paper. I look forward to reiterating the redundantly mundane, to sharing realizations like; ‘I learned that I have to love myself,’ or ‘today was a beautiful day because I realized what a blessing it is to be alive,’ or, ‘building community amongst ourselves is the first step towards peace in our society.’ I look forward to expressing thoughts like these, because they are the very same thoughts that we forget to remember; they are truths that unify us because we all encounter them while living through our unique moments.

Thank you for taking the time to allow me to share these words with you.